So Much Change

 Where to begin.  My husband passed away May 24, 2021.  He died from complications of alcoholism.  He was on a ventilator for 17 days and in the hospital for 20.  He was brought to the hospital from a Detox Center as he was going to try to sober up.  His detoxing brought such heavy seizures that the medical Detox center couldn't control it.  After the 16th day of being on a ventilator, and he was not showing any signs of improvement, had pancreatitis, pneumonia, etc., Jeff's dad, his daughter and I decided to not put him through any more so we had the ventilator removed.  He only lasted about 5 minutes after.  However, earlier that day they did reduce his medications so he was aware and awake enough for each of us to say our goodbyes to him.  

He knew he was dying.  I'm finding out from a few of his friends that said he knew something else was wrong but he didn't want to go to the doctor.  He had been calling himself Dead Man Walking because Correctional Officers usually only live about 5 years after they retire.  He made it 12.   The last couple months he had been getting lost in town, falling, urinating on himself, he couldn't remember a lot of things and he'd forget if he took his medications, etc.  He wasn't eating (that was the pancreatitis) and he shook so bad that he couldn't read which was his passion.  

Our marriage was not perfect and it really was suffering the last couple years.  I found out in late 2019 that he had two affairs. I'm not going to go into details but of course that made me distrust him and constantly check on things.  Like when I came home from work I would see his car wasn't there so I drove by his girlfriends house to see if he was there.  So that kind of life was really wearing me out and I finally made the decision earlier this year to move away from him and California.  We weren't going to get divorced, but I just couldn't live like that anymore.  It's hard to be with someone you just don't trust anymore and he didn't make it easier.  So when he went into rehab, I went to Texas and bought a house.  I told him that if he sobers up and wants to really work on our relationship, he knows where I will be.  After all the crap he put me through the last year and a half, I still loved him.  Maybe I still loved the guy I married 26 years ago - that guy wouldn't do what this guy did.  

However, complications from the rehab set in and when I came home from Texas it was about taking care of Jeff.  My goal was to still move to Texas.  When he got out of the hospital, he would have to have gone through extensive physical rehab (they say one week of  physical rehab for each day on a ventilator) but when he came home I was going to have all my stuff packed and moved to Texas while living with his dad until my house was finished being built.  (November)  

But he didn't make it.  He was really sick, and my hopes of being with the man I originally married was gone.  So now, it's about taking care of all the paperwork.  And there is a lot.  And once I get his death affairs in order, then I have to start thinking about the move.  And selling this house, etc.  

Besides the support of friends and family, my stitching and quilting was my release and I'm so thankful to have such a hobby to help ease the pain.  

I also quit my job.  Yesterday was my last day at the prison.  It was bittersweet as I will miss all the people I work with (not the inmates although they were always very respectful and nice).  I learned a lot and made some great friends along the way.  Some I know I meant to be in my life to help me through what I had been going through this last year.  

I do start a new part time, remote job with the property management company I worked for before.  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  So wish me luck.  

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.  I will end with a picture of at least one of my cross stitch finishes. I think I will try to get this professionally framed.